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Thank you. No, I’m not all right. - One person's lack of compassion does not equal another's comfort.
One person's lack of comprehension does not equal another's consent.
Thank you. No, I’m not all right.
I haven’t been posting in my journal very much, at least not anything “meaningful” mainly because I feel I can’t share the troubled feelings I’ve been having. You know? That’s really stupid of me, and I realized that this morning, when I received an email in response to a post on a mailing list I have been on for several years announcing one of the more final stages of the breakup/separation of myself and my friend and lover of six years, Cate.

The email asked if I was ok. I didn’t reply, because this woman is one of those people I never just say “Yeah, fine” to if I don’t mean it. I’m not all right. I’m putting a brave front on it. I’m surviving, and I’m not suicidal...

Although I’m not certain I can honestly say that the support I have received on Live Journal might not have actually SAVED MY LIFE. When I say that, I am not simply referring to the many positive replies I have received from those who would list me as their friend. I refer also to the numerous notes of appreciation I’ve received for my commentary in the [Bad username: bad sex]
Bad Sex” community. (thanks to kkpixie for teaching me how to link names that way :-)

For the past week I’ve been escaping my problems by reading and commenting on the problems of others, which appears to be therapeutic for me and appears to be appreciated for the most part. I’ve also annoyed a few people, and I’d like to apologize to them all individually, but maybe not in this LJ entry as it is already long. Among them kneadygirl, xkyx and yoopie Considering how depressed I’ve been their reactions were quite understandable.

Right now, I actually feel relatively happy, most of the time and maybe a little more “emotionally independent” than I have ever needed to feel. My worst days are those days when I don’t check in with LJ in the morning. I suppose that’s a bit more dependent than I’d like to be, but it beats the alternative.

What is getting me down, condensed:
My dad died last year, my mom is the most demented she’s ever been, my cat is really elderly but just squeaking by so I don’t have him “put down” my best friend “Steve” not on LJ recently announced he’s moving several states away, and after some news that felt “sudden” at the time, Cate and I have mutually decided that her goals and my plans no longer adequately mesh so we are trying to gracefully uncouple our lives.

I’m between homes, between relationships, and the only surviving relatives I have in the state are my sister and my demented mother. I don’t exactly feel adrift, I feel kind of marooned, which isn’t so bad; I’ve always admired Robinson Crusoe... and the professor :-)

PS: between the time I wrote this (in wp) & posted it (now) I received a tearful call from my flakey ex wishing to “salvage” our relationship. I’ve been through this kind of thing before. At this point, patching things up usually leads to a ship that takes on water and needs a constant sump.

Current Mood: determined determined
Current Music: anything by counting crows

6 Rubber Duckies or Leave a Rubber Ducky
leanasidhe From: leanasidhe Date: September 17th, 2003 01:06 pm (UTC) (Link)
community links are < lj comm="whatever" > but you take out the spaces :)

i already know most of this and i still think that you're a strong person. i admire and look up to you, dave. you've been through a lot and are still able to see the light outside the window. you know that you are free to call/email me anytime. *BIG HUG*
bittercat From: bittercat Date: September 17th, 2003 02:22 pm (UTC) (Link)

Aw, damn.

Shit. I was really hoping that, when you told me about this impending breakup a couple months ago, it wasn't true. I'm sorry. I know it's one of life's many colorful realities, but it's still sad. Even though C was not happy with me, I always liked her very much, and I will miss her.

I'm worried about you, too. You're clearly stressed. Who wouldn't be? When is S moving? Will he be around for a while? You really need some support. G and I are around, too. I know I'm hard to reach, but if you need company, an ear, a shoulder, I'm right up the road. You should still have my cell #. (Free/unlimited after 8:00 weeknights and all weekend.)

I know you're allergic to the cats, but I also know that you can stick it out, and we are cleaning majorly. Please: If you ever need to stop by, just call me. I'll start keeping the cell on when I'm home. You are always welcome, provided we are around.

*HUGS* I will try and give you a call tomorrow after work (won't be around tonight.)

As for Sam, our vet is very reasonably priced, and if you have not, you should have his geriatric profile done.
kkpixie From: kkpixie Date: September 17th, 2003 05:04 pm (UTC) (Link)
*stritches her head* well, I don't remember doing that, but you're welcome^.^;;;;
fixx From: fixx Date: September 18th, 2003 12:12 am (UTC) (Link)

Fixx memory problems

If you go back to my 3rd or 4th ever LJ post called "adding friends", you will find a couple replies both from you. One of these contained the needed information. At least that's where I got it. It is possible some other friendly helpful person was using your account. I would not rule it out.

Now to see if I can use the advice of leanasidhe

"bad sex" badsex Hey it worked!

Now would someone puleeezzeee advise me regarding which LJ client they are using?
kkpixie From: kkpixie Date: September 18th, 2003 03:04 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: Fixx memory problems

Ummm...client? Can't you look at their user info (if you click on that more info link...) to see what clients they're using and how many posts and comments they have and such..?
fixx From: fixx Date: September 18th, 2003 06:46 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: Fixx memory problems

Duh! Not when my eyes are closed! :-)

Thank you again for pointing something out I should have found sooner myself.
6 Rubber Duckies or Leave a Rubber Ducky