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A few words about my mother. - One person's lack of compassion does not equal another's comfort.
One person's lack of comprehension does not equal another's consent.
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A few words about my mother.
Many have considered it. No one dares. Yes, you heard right. Nobody wishes to speak at my mother’s funeral. Yesterday this was news to me, and here I was wondering what I was going to say. So today I wrote at last half of a speech, and not perfect and with only 2 more days to go I was wondering if it was presentable.

So I called my sister. She was out. I left a message that I’d come up with something and would probably want to run it past her for approval. She writes me back requesting I *not* say a few words at the funeral, on the basis of that if I do, she will feel compelled to write one as well... argh.

So I write back that my speech has a lot to do with why we feel as we do, that my mother was not herself for so long that we are all confused between the memory of who she was at her best and who she was when she died. It is hard enough to make that cheeful without being told not to deliver it at all.
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Comments
vvalkyri From: vvalkyri Date: March 10th, 2004 06:32 am (UTC) (Link)
I think you're completely right to still want to speak.

Did you hear that NPR story about the minidocumentaries some people are paying to have made about their lives? They want to be remembered as they were, not as how they were in their last dying days, or in the decades of long decline. They want the grandchild to know something else other than the grandmother after the stroke, after the dementia, or whatever.

And it seems that to follow your sister's request you'd be leaving people to only remember this last decade where your mother was no longer who she was all those other years of her life.

I can't imagine your memories of the better times wouldn't be welcome. And while your saying a few words really doesn't obligate your sister to do the same it's unfortunate she doesn't feel able to do so.
ksatyr From: ksatyr Date: March 10th, 2004 08:12 am (UTC) (Link)
If you feel you need to speak (no matter what your reasons) then you should, if you let someone stop you then you may feel a whole lot worse as a result.

I'm not sure why your sister should feel compelled to speak because you do, instead I'd think she'd be able to feel relief at not having to say anything because someone else (i.e. you) will be.
ladyorena From: ladyorena Date: March 10th, 2004 04:43 pm (UTC) (Link)
I agree that you should go ahead and speak if you want to. Because my sister felt guilty for not being there for my mom all those years, she was compelled to write and say things that I did not. But that was her choice, and I said nothing because I figured if she had the need to say it, then so be it. I chose poetry and music that represented things about my mom for me. Since it is pretty much a one shot deal, I'd say do what feels right for you.
vampirevioletta From: vampirevioletta Date: March 10th, 2004 08:11 pm (UTC) (Link)

!!!

How dare your sister tell you not to say anything at all?! That is outragous! She was her mother too, and writing a little eulogy, a few words, is the least she can do.... I say go ahead and read your speech. At least SOMEONE loved your mother. I wish I could have spoken at my grandmother's funeral. I was the only one there that cried, sad huh? Her sister shed a few tears, but I couldn't hold it in... So yeah, read what you wrote and show everyone you cared, and still do, about your mother.
From: wolfdancer Date: March 12th, 2004 07:10 pm (UTC) (Link)

Being that I am going to a funeral on sat

of one of the dearest peaple that I have ever know, I might be basied.
At a funeral , the general rule is.

"You much forgive the dead. They can not defend them selfs.
If you would speek ill of the dead, you should talk to them face to face."

"But at the wake, then my lad, you can spit on there rug and drink the good beer."

Old Galic quote.

I know you have a lot of unresolved feeling's for your mom. You have a right to feel the way you do. Wright what you wish to say. Put it aside. Read it a bit later. Have some one read it to you, or tape it so you have lission to it. See if it truly give you what you wanted to say. Funerals are about leting go. Abouting healing, sharing greif.
And hopefuly coming togeter as a family. Your sister as exciture of the estate has a lot on her mind. she may feel too over welmed to do more that sit and let things happen.

In the Euligie for my mom, the good things about her were remembered. A funeral is also a celerbration of what good things were in that person life.

Do what you must to let go. Strive to be kind to the living. If you need any thing, Let me know.


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